I’ve learned to love myself so deeply, so significantly, no one could make me forget of that love. But that wasn’t always the case…
A long time ago. An abusive boyfriend, a naive girl.
I was told love was harsh, and you just had to live the moment with the one you love.
I was told «I love you» through punches in my stomach, pushes and yelling at my face. Yelling so loud, so painfully loud it took a while for the pain to vanish. The memories of the yelling take me back to the exact thoughts I was having at the moment «Daddy, please come and save me».
I learned, love is not supposed to hurt you.
To the human eyes, I am made of flesh and bones.
I have poured the purest of love in so many wrong places I’ve get to feel I was getting empty. One chance and another and another… So many wounds yet, I cannot say I regret any because of every experience I have learned. All my wounds are closed but remembering the sadness and confusion I went through somehow brings me down. I can only think to myself «Such a sparkly and caring young lady being hurt so bad, I feel bad for her». I feel bad for my past me. If I could just go back in time, I would ask a friend for a hug I was desperately needing. I got hurt so many times pain became a part of me. An endless parade of You are stupid, you are ugly, you are useless, you are trash, you are fat, you will not achieve your dreams because that is not your destiny. And a blank.
But I still carry hope. Hope so strong, makes me state that:
- I do believe there is a remarkable human being specifically made for me, yes.
- I do believe in love in the most romantic way, yes, I do.
- I do believe my partner will be my friend, business partner, lover and keeper of my deepest dreams, yes, I do.
- I do believe I will meet him. Some day.
- I believe love it’s a two-way giving. I give you give. Let see what we both can put to the table.
- I believe individual dreams are not a burden, those are non-negotiable. They are, an asset. A person itself is enough, but a person with high standards and sky-high dreams is beyond value.
I have dreamed so many times with him. So perfectly clear in my dreams, such a beautiful smile. A loving soul, a warm, safe and eternal hug. And yet by morning, his face is all blurry in my memories.
What a remarkable human being he must be… His way of worshiping God, of loving me and of dreaming must be so beautiful and so pure no small-scale problem will be able to interfere with it.
I’ve waited for 27 years but oh how worthy is he! When he comes, he would be so perfectly loving only one look with no need of words will say everything. My business companion and my friend, my man and my love, my provider of love and advice, the person with whom I will pour my heart worshiping God through the earliest hours of the morning.
A lover of dreams and challenges.
I think we all deserve what we dream, and I do dream of love. But I’ve come to find many women are waiting for a man to complete them or to upgrade their current lifestyle. I think I am complete, I am well made and formed. I think I was born with a wonderful set of gifts that are already improving my current lifestyle.
But man, how hard is it? Every single married person I’ve met (Christians and not Christians) constantly tell me «No! Do not get married!» Or «Why do you need a boyfriend? You are better off alone» Is it? Is it that bad to have a companion? How awful is it? It seems like 98% of all marriages have gone through infidelity. Man, what a messed-up world we live in, it kind of scares me. It seems like we are all doomed to get betrayed at some point.
When my defenses are down, the enemy brings back bad memories of all the times my heart got broken little by little; I think, as a way of telling me «this will continue happening» «you will be hurt again». But no, I think I won’t. All my dreams and God’s promises upon my life have come to fulfillment so I stand, I keep believing. But I do have to confess I’m childishly waiting for him. Can you imagine? How perfect is the person God created from the beginning of time specifically for you?
Funny thing is, I don’t know him. Yet, he’s making my heart smile, from wherever he’s at. I think he’s anxiously waiting for me as I am for him.
In a while, the blurry memory from my dreams will become a clear reality. So perfect, every bad memory and faces from the past will be completely erased from my heart. And there he will be, and me. And I will pour the purest of love, without fear of getting hurt again.